Sittung Still

I am being challenged right now - one that has been suggested by my therapist but also one that I know has been needed for a long time. I am being challenged to sit with myself. To stop taking on projects as a distraction from facing my own fear and concerns. It's been a habit of mine for probably about 10 years, and I've been consumed deeply in this habit for the past 7 years for sure. I see a need and that resonates with me. Instead of addressing my own reasons for that need, I immediately look for a way to solve it for others. Myself be damned. This has led me to a place where I'm not content in my own life, despite helping others in theirs.

I have taken on roles that do not nourish me. I have agreed to wear masks because it makes others happy. And it's not like I don't find myself in there somewhere, because I don't venture down a path if there isn't any interest for me. But not I'm being challenged to sit and reflect on what fulfills me and helps me achieve my dreams. And it's REALLY HARD! It's one of the hardest things I've ever done because making myself happy has never been a priority.

I was raised to please others and my needs were secondary. So that's about 46 years of undoing going on, and the anxiety associated with disappointing others is high. But, I'm getting through it and there are some interesting thoughts bubbling to the surface. And I am committed to living my best and aligned life moving forward, which means breaking out of my comfort zone and sometimes being a disappointment, being unavailable to others, and to speaking my mind. So during this period of staying in, I am also going into myself and seeing what comes out. What an interesting and adventurous process.

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